Wishing

Yesterday was a difficult day.  There was a staffing at the hospital for progress on my son, and for the next steps to be determined.  All of the decisions are impossible ones, it seems.

I have never been pro-medication.  I am, at my core, a huge believer in holistic and alternative medicine.  I think we approach medicine in a way that is counterproductive much of the time.  How, then, am I faced with having to put my son on Clozaril?  Like other antipsychotic drugs, the side effects are troubling at the very least, deadly, possibly.  

When we started this journey with my son over 7 years ago, I did everything I knew, and then sought out more.  I changed diet for him, I took him to an alternative doctor, I went to the renowned Pfeiffer Clinic.  I read literally hundred's of books.  We didn't even come into medication till a little over three years ago.  Most of the medications have not been successful, one or two have had moderate success.  We have turned a corner, I think.  We are kind of at a "big gun" medication, and if it doesn't produce good results, I'm not sure what the options are from here.  

Seeing my son in so much emotional and mental pain is the only reason I consider using medication.  If you cannot be free of hallucinations, anxiety, depression, worthlessness and  a cognitive jumble, I'm not too sure how to call it living.  Existing, sure.  Living, no.  

I was driving by my son's high school today, and watching the freshmen practice soccer.  Immediately, a wave of sadness came over me.  I wish that I could see Ryan out there, practicing on the field and having fun.  Instead, he is in the hospital, not enjoying himself very much.  Yet, I know, deep down, he is glad to be there.  He feels safer in a place where he is constantly watched, and knows that there are always several people knowing what he is doing.  It feels sad to know that he is so torn.  Yet, there is no lack of pain here.  My daughter is still having a really rough time.  My seven year old had an epic meltdown this evening, and my little guy is having trouble coping.  I am working on paperwork.  An ICG grant application, applications for Social Security Disability, and scheduling assessments for my other two boys.  

I wish that I could fix everything for the family.  I wish that I could take away the pain.  I wish that I could stop managing, and just "be" for awhile.  I wish that I could hear what God wants, so I don't have to guess.  I have faith in God, but I struggle to know my place, what to do and what not to do.  I wish I knew better how to bear this burden.

At the end of the day, no matter what I "wish", I am the only one who can approach these trials with an attitude of understanding that life is painful, but even in pain there are blessings.

I am taking heart in a quote from someone I admire and respect, and have so enjoyed the privilege of meeting: Neale Donald Walsch.  In 'Friendship With God, An Uncommon Dialogue,' he writes: "I tell you, the day will come when you will review your life and be thankful for every minute of it. Every hurt, every sorrow, every joy, every celebration, every moment of your life will be a treasure to you, for you will see the utter perfection of the design. You will stand back from the weaving and see the tapestry, and you will weep at the beauty of it."  That is what keeps me hanging on.