Muddling Through

My son has been re-hospitalized, and my 7 year old just spent two weeks in partial hospitalization.  My daughter is depressed, and I'm concerned that it is becoming serious.  My five (almost six) year old is having tantrums and crying fits he never had before.  My husband and I are disconnected and overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do next.


I never thought I could feel this depressed ON medication.  I struggle with Major Depression, but that is why I take medication.  I can't even IMAGINE what things would be like if I wasn't on meds at this point.  My panic attacks are happening more frequently, and I feel so lost.


It is very difficult for so many things to be out of control.  When I told God I would give Him over total control, I didn't expect quite this ride.  I am still not sorry I did it, but I am feeling like I am drowning.  I had the privilege of  being able to see the Casting Crowns concert, which of course, was amazing, but a new artist, Lindsay McCaul, performed a song that left me sobbing.  It is called, "Take My Hand" and I feel like it was written about me.  I guess that's the great thing about songs, they can really show you that other people share deep struggles right along with you, same or not.


I want to sleep, I want to huddle up, stay home, and do nothing for days.  My "manager" as my friend calls the same part of her, is still in working order and won't let me do it, and I'm grateful.  There is this pit that I'm just inches from that I feel I could fall in at any time.  There are times I am scared it could really happen.


I can almost understand why it is so much easier for my son to deal with hospitalization.  Things are very simple there, and they don't require a whole lot of him.  At home, it is a different story.  We had a visit the other day, and he told me that when he gets off the elevator and sees us waiting to visit, it is like a dark cloud descends on him, one of anger and agitation.  That was hard to hear, but I know it's true....I've seen that dark cloud since he was 7.  He would never verbalize anything like this before now, and I wonder if the medication is allowing him to explain a little more of what is going on inside.


For now, life is about therapy sessions three times a week, visiting, staffings, and juggling everything else along with it.  I think that's why they call it "muddling through."  There are no clear cut boundaries to all the things that have to get done.  They all have to get done, sometimes at the same time, and you just have to do it, make it work somehow.


I am reminded daily to "Praise You In This Storm," and I'm trying, I really am.