Who's there?

It's really hard for me to believe it's almost Christmas.  Time here has flown by, and sometimes I feel like I live the same week over and over.  


This journey has become more difficult because although I am taking responsibility for the life of another person, my son, I cannot get inside his head, know his thoughts.  I am chipping away at a wall that has been built over several years, and I didn't even know how bad things were.  Many of the things I let myself believe because of the advice of those around me (including doctors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, friends, family) were just WRONG.  I have always had an issue with self-doubt, and over the years I had believed it was getting better.  It didn't get better in time for my son.  If I had trusted my gut, I believe we both would have been better off, sooner.  But, I also have to remind myself daily that God has a plan, and I don't know best.  


Advocating is a full time job.  It is taking every last ounce of my energy.  I spoke with a state advocacy agency about helping me advocate, and the director told me I should work for him.  It was a great compliment, and I appreciated it, and it is a job I would normally volunteer for, because I believe in this so much.  Yet, I thought, I can't even manage a shower, so obviously, this is taking an inordinate amount of my time.  


My seven year old said to me today, "Mom, you missed the races at school before Halloween, and you missed the Christmas party today."  I almost cried.  I can't be everywhere I want to be, or even need to be some days.  I am at the hospital two to three times a day, every weekday. I have to get one child on and off the bus, and two others homeschooled.  I have to take care of bills, cleaning, laundry, business items, shopping, etc., etc.  It is absolutely overwhelming.  I can't be enough for everyone, not even me some days.


The school is telling me they really have my son's best interests at heart, and I want to believe them, but I don't.  I mean, I know they think they do, but in the end, everything comes down to money, precedent setting and lawyers.  Heck, even my interests are skewed sometimes because I am so overwhelmed, how could theirs not be?


I am going to go touring day schools and residential facilities in the next month, something I NEVER thought I'd do.  I am reading and absorbing again, The Quiet Room by Lori Schiller, and using it to eek out little thoughts from my son about his experiences.  Seemingly, a lot is very similar.  It makes me afraid for him.


My seven year old is now visually hallucinating, confirmed.  My oldest tells me the voices preceded that for him.  I am trying to intervene NOW, heavily, to see if my seven year old can learn about how to deal with things beyond his control.  This has been a ride like one I've never had.  God bless my children.


Who's there?  Not a question you want to have to ask your seven year old.  Hopefully, there will be grace and mercy for him, too.


Thanks to all the people I have come across who have made this journey just a little bit easier by their kindness and caring.  I am thanking God for you all.