Ending the Year

I'd like to say that I will look back on this year with fond memories, but I really can't say it.  However, I believe this year has produced the most growth for me in all of my years to date.  I credit this fully to handing my life to God in 2010...and I mean handing EVERYTHING.  I have always tried to defer to God, but in 2010 I said I was willing to give it ALL, and what a ride it's been.

There is a song, sung by the most excellent Lindsay McCaul, called "Take My Hand."  When I first heard it, live in concert, I could barely breathe for my sobbing.  I felt as though all of my thoughts and feelings were pouring out of her powerful song to us.  I definitely had a moment of bravery, and I definitely wasn't ready for what has occurred.  SO many things have changed, my life barely resembles what it was before 2010.  There have been times I have been absolutely TERRIFIED, and crying out, "Why is this happening?"  Always, God gently whispers, "It will be okay."  A lot of days, I'm still not sure.  But I'm willing to stay the course.

I want to extend heartfelt thanks to all of the people who have so willingly shared their difficult journeys with a larger audience in the name of hope.  Or, at the very least, letting others know they are not alone.  Special thanks to Lori Schilling, Randye Kaye, Kay Redfield Jamison, Jay Neugeboren and Ken Steele.  You have helped me so much.  Thanks also goes to the people at NAMI DuPage, for volunteering, showing up, and listening.  It has been really comforting to have you all.

Sometimes we realize things about ourselves that we don't want to know.  I have learned a lot more about my weaknesses this year.  I have a lot of work left to do.  I have to remember all the time, constantly remind myself, "Soften your heart."  It is easy to get angry, overwhelmed, frustrated, sad and desperate.  Those are the times I have to recite the mantra to myself, "It's not about me."  I think one of the key things to do in a situation you are totally unfamiliar with is to first put yourself in the other persons shoes.  What might they be thinking?  How might they be hurting?  How can I help this end as positively as possible?  Not easy work, but it is helpful.

I have also learned something about my strengths, and that knowledge is somewhat comforting.

My oldest is still in transition, and things may not get better.  Then again, maybe they will.  All I know now is that I must meet him where he is and try to deal as best I can.  There is still so much judgement from some other people.  It is discouraging, but then I remember, "Yes!  This is why I have loosened the tie."  I can't change others, so I need to change myself.

To Dr. Henry Cloud, you have done wonderful things for me this year through your writing, so thank you.

There are some special people that have tried their utmost to walk with me through this.  I want to thank, very sincerely, Colleen, Tom and Lisa, Ruth and Shelly.  I love you all.

Though I can't say I'm sorry to see this year end, I am trying to remain positive about the future, after all, God's got it covered. :)